


Sins Of Touch

by zitacica



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Basically Shouyou has sex because he sees no safe way for him to say no, Bittersweet Ending, Forced Consent, Hinata Whump, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, I'm Sorry, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Non-Graphic Smut, Rape/Non-con Elements, The kagehina is very subtly and not really touched upon, Unhealthy Relationships, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24045589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zitacica/pseuds/zitacica
Summary: Hinata Shouyou experiences love during the days of winter; the good, the bad, and the worst. His cheeks are red and his wrists are bruised.Warnings!: This is about Shouyou being in an abusive relationship - both physical and emotional abuse. If that is in any way triggering, please please read at your own risk.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 267





	Sins Of Touch

**Author's Note:**

> This story touches on abuse in a relationship, both physically and emotionally. There is also non-graphic/or very brief mentions of non-con sex. It's a situation where Shouyou does not feel safe to say no, so he says yes. Please, read at your own risk if any of these are triggering to you.

Hinata Shouyou gets a taste of love in winter. His cheeks are red, his breath puffing out into the air and he rubs his gloved hands together, garnering as much heat as he could. He makes his way into school at an even pace, not at all worried about being late to class considering he had gotten to school at an okay time. Kageyama was still nowhere to be seen so Shouyou figures that he’ll see him at lunch.

There’s a group of boys near the front doors, a rowdy but nice looking bunch of guys. They’re all circled around a tall boy (and really aren’t all boys tall to him?) with dark black hair and bright blue eyes. The boy is laughing along with the group though, waving his hands back and forth. One of his friends wraps an arm around his neck, rubbing his knuckles harshly against his silky hair.

The closer Shouyou gets to the two doors, the more clearly he can hear them. The blue eyed boy runs his hand through his hair with a deep chuckle. “Ah, my hair, please don’t mess up my hair…”

“Okumura-kun, what boy worries about their hair so much?” One of his friends teases, punching him playfully in the shoulder.

Okumura shoots him a disappointed look with a small shake of his head. “And this is why no girl will date you, man.”

The group of friends snicker. Shouyou pauses as they gravitate even closer to the front doors, effectively cutting off anyway for him to enter the school. He opens his mouth to politely ask them to move over when Okumura’s eyes meet his. He freezes, mouth open like a fool. Okumura eyes him for a moment before smiling softly at him. Shouyou watches as he pats his friends’ shoulders, telling them that they should start getting to class. The group of friends all jeer and call Okumura a ‘goody two-shoes’, but they listen to him and all start entering the school. Before the door closes behind them, Okumura glances back over his shoulder, back at Shouyou.

Shouyou thinks about Okumura’s blue eyes for the entirety of the day.

🎔

Shouyou lands on his two feet, exhaling softly as his hit lands in bounds on the other side of the net. Kageyama is a silent force beside him, watching in satisfaction as their captain curses from being unable to receive the hit. He turns to Kageyama and startles, because for a minute he swears he sees Okumura instead. Shouyou scowls and turns away from his setter, smacking one cheek lightly as it heats up.

Ever since his interaction with Okumura (and could it even be called that?), he swears he sees the boy everywhere, both literally and not. He sees Okumura when he walks to lunch and in the cafeteria, a few tables down from where he sits with the first years on the team. He sees him walk past his class, once in a while. Mostly, any time he sees a tall black haired, blue eyed boy, he sees him.

Shouyou never really had a crush before, but he’s not all that surprised by his first one being a boy. While he finds girls cute and delicate, there’s something about a tall, but soft looking boy that really makes his heart pound.

Practice seems to drag on that day for some reason. Tsukishima gets on his nerves more often, and he can’t seem to look at Kageyama without thinking of Okumura. It gets tiring. His mental exhaustion must be evident throughout practice because when it ends, Suga comes up to him with a worried look on his face. He asks him if he’s okay, and yeah, he’s fine, he tells Suga just that. No one on the team needs to know about his childish crush, he’ll deal with it on his own.

He drags himself to his bike after practice, half heartedly saying goodbye to his friends, before getting ready for the tiresome ride home. He huffs and puffs as he pedals down the street, each store and house blurring together as he flies past them.

It happens by chance. He glances into one of the convenience stores and almost crashes his bike as he sees a familiar head of black hair, his school uniform giving him away. Shouyou almost bikes away, and really he should’ve, but instead he slows down, bringing his bike to a stop at the store’s bike rack. He locks his bike up as quickly as possible and enters the store as normal as possible.

The cashier greets him dully as the bell above the door indicates his arrival. Okumura glances over his shoulder and their eyes meet. Shouyou glances away first, absentmindedly going down the isles. He isn’t even sure on how much money he has on him and he curses himself for being so stupid. He bites his bottom lip, chewing on it in nervousness. He did not think this entire thing through.

“You’re Hinata-san, from the volleyball team, right?”

Shouyou’s heart stops. He’s caught. Oh god, will he know that he has a crush on him? Will he accuse him of stalking him and beat him up?

“Hello?” Okumura moves from standing behind him to standing in front of him. He waves his large hand in front of Shouyou’s face. He can feel the heat bloom across his cheeks. _How embarrassing_. Okumura lightly taps Shouyou’s forehead. “Is someone there?”

Shouyou nods frantically, his cheeks reddening even more. “S-sorry, you startled me…” Shouyou doesn’t know where his voice has gone. It’s almost as if any confidence he’s had in himself has disappeared the second those blue eyes turn to him. His heart pounds. _Badump, badump, badump_ …

Okumura chuckles sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I didn’t mean to, my bad.” He lowers his hand and shoves it into his pocket. “I’m Okumura Hiroyuki. I think I’m in Kageyama-san’s class.”

Shouyou feels disappointment bloom in his chest. _Oh no, did he want to talk about Kageyama-kun?_ “Ah, really? That’s so cool! I’m Hinata Shouyou.” In a burst of confidence, Shouyou holds out his hand. Okumura grins and grips Shouyou’s hand gently in his own. Shouyou swallows hard when he realizes Okumura’s hand completely enclosed his own.

They don’t move for a moment and Okumura’s hand still holds his own. His cheeks reheat again, worse than before. He must have a look on his face because Okumura lets go of his hand with a nervous chuckle. “Ah, sorry for being weird.” Okumura nibbles on his bottom lip for a moment. “Could I have your contact info?” He asks abruptly, his own cheeks suspiciously pink. Shouyou blinks up at him, shocked. Okumura’s eyes are turned up to the ceiling and Shouyou is in awe for a moment.

_Is he nervous talking to...me?_

Shouyou is almost breathless when he answers. “Yes! Of course!”

🎔

 **Okumura-kun:** _hey wanna watch a movie together after your practice?_

Shouyou grins down at his phone, his forehead resting against his locker. His heart is racing in his chest and he hasn’t even begun practice yet. For about three days now, Okumura and him have been texting pretty much nonstop. Shouyou knows his favorite color (“Orange, but like the sunset”), his favorite movie (“Do you even have to ask? That new marvel movie was sooooo cool!”), and he even knows that Okumura has a cute fluffy white cat called Snowbell.

“Hey, dumbass.” Someone knocks on the back of his head and by the voice, he’s got a pretty good idea of who. His grin slips away and he quickly closes his phone, turning to frown up at Kageyama. “Don’t you know it’s time to practice? Are you texting that setter from Nekoma again?”

Shouyou sticks his tongue out at Kageyama. “Why? Jealous?”

Kageyama scoffs and crosses his arms (he’s nothing like Okumura, not as soft and gentle). “No, I just wanna know why you’re wasting time, staring at your phone.”

Shouyou rolls his eyes, opening his phone back up to text an affirmative to Okumura. When it sends, he closes his phone again and locks it in his locker. He turns back to Kageyama and sharply sticks his finger into his rib. The taller boy groans, hands rubbing at the spot. “I was texting your _mom_.”

Shouyou laughs as he sprints out of the locker room, Kageyama chasing after him, foaming at the mouth. He runs up to Suga, hiding behind the taller and older male. “Suga-san! Save me!”

Suga laughs and takes a large step to the right, leaving Shouyou exposed to Kageyama. “I think you need to be punished for being late to practice.”

Shouyou whines and dives out of Kageyama’s reach, the tips of his fingers barely touching his jersey. They run around the court for a few more minutes before both Daichi and Ukai tell them it’s time to spend their energy on practice. Shouyou feels happy during the entire practice, never faltering and never missing a spike. Everyone around him notices his weird happy aura but doesn't say anything about it, and instead just bask in it. Kageyama doesn’t second guess his tosses at all, feeling confident in both himself and Shouyou. They practice until Kageyama’s arms burn and Shouyou’s palm stings.

Practice ends and Shouyou practically sprints into the locker room, changing out his jersey and into his uniform faster than he’s ever done before. He checks his phone and almost squeals when he realizes that two minutes ago Okumura had texted him, saying that he’ll wait for him outside of the gym. He packs his things, barely waves goodbye to the team before he’s out of the gym.

Okumura is leaning against a column, staring down at his phone. His hair blows softly in the wind, his bottom lip between his teeth. Shouyou grips his bag strap hard between his hands and tries his best to walk up to Okumura as normally as possible.

He glances up from his phone when he hears footsteps. When he realizes it’s Shouyou walking towards him, he quickly pockets his phone and smiles brightly at him. When Shouyou is standing in front of him, Okumura ruffles his hair gently, fingers carding through the strands. They’re both blushing, but Okumura doesn’t remove his hand and Shouyou finds that he doesn’t really mind. “Ready to watch that movie?”

Shouyou nods shyly, not trusting himself to not to sound like a fool.

Shouyou never sees Kageyama watching the duo from the gym doors. Okumura does though. He stares at Kageyama as his hand slowly slides down from Shouyou’s head to wrap around his shoulders. He tilts his head at the setter, a small smirk stretched across his lips before they both make their way away from the gym.

A pit forms in Kageyama’s gut and he watches as his teammate and friend is led away from him.

🎔

Okumura becomes a daily part of Shouyou’s day. They talk in the morning while they get ready for school and they sit together at lunch now, just the two of them. Shouyou ignores Kageyama and Tsukishima’s stares in favor of watching Okumura’s soft smiles and eyes that crinkle in the corners when he laughs. Okumura meets Shouyou after practice and they walk part way home together, always stopping at the convenience store where they had first introduced themselves to each other.

One day they decide to hang out at the park after school, snacks and drinks in hand. Shouyou’s bike squeaks from beside him as he slowly pushes it along. Okumura is speaking a mile a minute, talking about a new episode of an anime he’s watching. His hands move around excitedly and there’s a carefree grin spread across his face. _He’s beautiful_. Shouyou reddens, gripping his handlebars tighter.

They spend the afternoon there, laying in the grass, talking about nothing and everything. Okumura’s shoulders are against his own, but neither pull away. The day slowly becomes night, the air becoming cooler around them. Despite that Shouyou feels extremely warm inside.

“Hey Shouyou-kun,” Okumura says softly. Shouyou turns to him and immediately reddens at how close Okumura was. Their noses were almost touching, and Shouyou was sure the taller boy could probably feel the heat on his cheeks. Shouyou hums, indicating that he was listening. “I think I wanna kiss you.”

Shouyou exhales sharply in surprise, brown eyes widening and cheeks deepening in red. His heart is racing, he can feel sweat on his palms. He wants this though, desperately. Shouyou nods shyly, “Okay.”

Okumura’s smile is sweet and he raises his hand to rest on Shouyou’s cheek. His thumb rubs his cheek gently, his hand easily cupping the side of his face. He leans in, eyes fluttering shut, lips parted. Shouyou grips the grass beside him, eyes sliding shut when he feels Okumura’s breath on his lips. Shouyou lets Okumura take his first kiss.

🎔

Hiroyuki asks him to be his boyfriend that night and when Shouyou lets out a breathless agreement, he also asks him to call him by his given name. The butterflies in his stomach have grown into full grown crows and he nods shyly, “Only if you call me Shouyou.”

Hiroyuki pushes a strand of Shouyou’s hair behind his ear, eyes soft. “Of course.”

Every day after that is a little different. Hiroyuki adds a heart after each good morning text, they share food at lunch, and their arms brush when they walk home. Hiroyuki calls him “Hinata-kun” in the presence of his friends and teammates, but when they’re alone he’ll whisper “Shouyou” against the shell of his ear. Shivers never fail to run down his spine.

They kiss more often, make out even. Kissing with tongue was weird at first. Shouyou has absolutely no clue on what to do and neither did Hiroyuki, but slowly it became something they both enjoyed. They’d only ever make out at Hiroyuki’s house due to his parents working late and his house being closer to school than Shouyou’s. It had gotten to the point where Shouyou had sat in Hiroyuki’s lap, butt on his penis. He’d been horrified when he had felt it harden, completely unsure on what to do next. He had frozen, hands stuck around Hiroyuki’s neck and breath fanning across his lips. 

Hiroyuki had immediately stopped. He asked Shouyou if it was okay, if he needed to stop. Shouyou honestly didn’t know. It wasn’t like he was against what was happening, he just didn’t know what he wanted at the time. He didn’t want to go _all the way_ , he knew that much. So, he shook his hand, slowly leant forward and pressed his lips against Hiroyuki’s neck. “This is fine,” He said. And it was. That night they didn’t do more than make out and grind a little.

They explore more together, they were both teenage boys after all. Hiroyuki had put his hand down Shouyou’s pants and Shouyou had wrapped his lips around Hiroyuki’s penis. It was blissful, toe curling.

The night they go _all the way_ , Shouyou can feel it in the air that they will. Hiroyuki had been mentioning all week that both his parents will be gone for the weekend. He mentions it in text, and at lunch, and with his fingers tugging at Shouyou’s hair from pleasure. Shouyou feels just as excited, if a little nervous. He’s tense during volley practice, Kageyama snapping at him nonstop. He can’t stop thinking, _this weekend, his parents won’t be home_.

After practice on Friday afternoon, he texts his mom impulsively. He tells her he’ll be staying over at a teammate’s place and apologizes for it being last minute. She agrees and tells him to be safe.

Hiroyuki is ready for them to have sex. By the time they’ve taken off everything but their boxers, they’re huffing and puffing. Hiroyuki glances over at his nightstand and with flushed cheeks mentions how he bought everything they need, if Shouyou decides that he’s ready. And Shouyou thinks about it for a moment, he truly does, because he knows he’ll definitely be the one on the receiving end. His heart is pounding and his penis is erect. He nods shyly, kissing softly at Hiroyuki’s neck. “Yeah, let’s go all the way tonight.”

By the end of it, they’re out of breath, but Shouyou is grinning, a happy flush spreading through him. His head is resting on top of Hiroyuki’s chest, his heart beating as fast as his own. Hiroyuki’s fingertips run up and down his arm, leaving soft traces of heat and tingles that Shouyou swears he feels all the way to his toes. Hiroyuki hums, “Round two?” Shouyou has never felt so light before.

🎔

Kageyama corners him one afternoon, right before lunch. His brows are pulled together, his hand is curling in his blazer, knuckles white. Shouyou feels tense. He hasn’t talked to Kageyama properly in what feels like weeks now. Kageyama’s eyes are a darker blue than Hiroyuki’s and they glare angrily at Shouyou.

“Why do you hang out with that boy more than you do us?” _More than you do me_.

Shouyou shrugs absentmindedly. He remembers Hiroyuki asking him to keep their relationship a secret and he honestly understands why. Some days he can hear his classmates throwing around the words faggot and gay in a mean way, an insulting way. He knows what people will think of them if they reveal themselves. “We just have a lot in common. We’re good friends.”

Kageyama’s frown deepens, his hand twisting into his blazer even more. “But he doesn’t play volleyball.” _But he doesn’t set for you, he doesn’t help you fly_.

Shouyou glares up at Kageyama. “You do know there’s more to me than volleyball, right?” Kageyama flinches slightly. Why did Shouyou sound so distant when it came to volleyball now? They haven’t raced to the gym in weeks and there’s a hole beginning to tear open in Kageyama’s chest.

Kageyama glances down at his feet. “I know that! Of course I do...but we never even race anymore.”

This time Shouyou flinches, realization washing over him in cold waves. He had been so enormed, so captivated by Hiroyuki that he started to dedicate time into that one relationship. He’s completely poured his everything with _loving_ Hiroyuki that he hasn’t even given a lick of it to volleyball or Kageyama. Shouyou has never seen Kageyama so confused, and yes, he sees it now. Kageyama is so confused on how so much changed so fast.

“Okay,” Shouyou says softly with a nod. “Let’s eat lunch together today.”

Kageyama’s hand releases his blazer, an audible sigh of relief escaping him.

🎔

 **Shouyou-kun:** _hey I’m gonna eat with my teammates today, okay?_

 **Hiroyuki <3: ** _aaah it’s starting, you’ve used me for my body and now you’ll dump me_

 **Shouyou-kun:** _don’t say that!! we’ll still walk home together. you should hold my hand today_

 **Hiroyuki <3:** _we’ll see ;)_

🎔

Kageyama isn’t the only one who was happier that lunch period. Yamaguchi smiles brightly when Shouyou makes his way over. “Well, well, look who it is!” Shouyou giggles as Yamaguchi jokingly talks about being exhausted, having to watch over both Kageyama and Tsukishima. Tsukishima says a sharp, “Shut up.” Yamaguchi just laughs.

It’s sad to say, but Shouyou doesn’t really think of Hiroyuki during that entire time. He focuses on Kageyama’s sharp retorts and Yamaguchi’s excited stories about the things he had missed from the past lunches. His phone buzzes in his pants a few times, but he decides on waiting until after lunch. Instead he bonks Kageyama on the head when the taller boy makes a snarky remark. They argue and it feels like it did before he met Hiroyuki. His cheeks are flushed from happiness and his chest feels light. (For the first time in a while, Shouyou looks at Kageyama and doesn’t see Hiroyuki.)

🎔

 **Hiroyuki <3: ** _hey hey hey_

 **Hiroyuki <3:** _answer my texts >:(_

 **Hiroyuki <3: ** _Shouyoooooou I can see you having fun without me :(_

 **Hiroyuki <3: ** _do you just not have vibrate on?_

 **Hiroyuki <3: ** _that better be the case_

🎔

Practice is the smoothest it has ever been in weeks. Shouyou flies, the feeling of Kageyama being beside him giving him the confidence he desperately needs. Perhaps by ignoring his friends, he hasn’t been letting himself be the happiest and strongest he could be. It wasn’t like he had been ignoring them on purpose though, Hiroyuki just had taken up so much of his time. But today, he felt like he was soaring, and even Kageyama was feeling good. The taller boy had grabbed Shouyou’s shoulder in excitement after a particularly nice quick and had shouted, “That was nice!” Shouyou brightens up, his heart pounding in his chest and cheeks red from the praise.

Shouyou doesn’t rush out of the locker room either. He takes his time, joking around with his teammates, a warmth running through him. How could he go so long without spending time with his teammates? He realizes then how badly he had missed them. Missed Kageyama, and Nishinoya, and Tanaka. He misses his friends so bad. How did people in relationships do this? How did they find time to spend with their significant other while also not neglecting their friends?

When they all exit the locker room, they're a group of loud friends, chattering about their day. Daichi raises his arms up and in a clear voice, “Before you all leave, I have an announcement.” They pause, voices fading away slowly. Daichi nods once. “I’ve decided, along with coach, that we all need a pick me up and we’re gonna have a sleepover this weekend at my place.”

Nishinoya jumps in the air, his cheers the loudest. Shouyou grins brightly and turns to his setter, grin widening. “You better be there!” He pokes Kageyama in the ribs, grinning harder when he winces and glares down at him.

Kageyama rolls his eyes. “Stupid, of course I’m going. Will you or are you going to be too busy for us?” Shouyou frowns, wondering what exactly he meant by that.

While the team chatters excitedly around him, his phone buzzes in his pocket. He quickly pulls it out, and opens the texts from his boyfriend.

 **Hiroyuki <3: ** _hey isn’t practice done yet? :( miss you_

 **Hiroyuki <3: ** _Shouyooooou hurry up_

 **Hiroyuki <3: ** _it doesn’t sound like you guys are practicing_

 **Shouyou-kun:** _i’ll be out in a minute_

 **Shouyou-kun:** _clingy <3 _

**☣**

The first time it happens, Shouyou doesn’t really think anything of it. They’re at Hiroyuki’s place, Shouyou leaning against his chest, his boyfriend’s fingers running through his hair slowly. They’re watching a movie in the comfort of Hiroyuki’s room, his parents not home for the night yet. He mentions the volleyball sleepover with lidded eyes and raspy voice, on the cusp of sleep. Hiroyuki’s fingers still. Shouyou blinks the sleep out of his eyes, annoyed at the lack of comfort he was getting from his boyfriend.

“Everyone’ll be there?” Hiroyuki asks, his voice sounding odd. Shouyou frowns and leans back from his boyfriend, glancing up at him. Hiroyuki’s hand slips away from his hair and his long (strong) fingers lightly wrap around one of his wrists. There isn’t really anything to see on Hiroyuki’s face, only the slight downturn at the corner of his lips, nothing more.

Shouyou nods, “Mmmhmmm, Daichi-san invited everyone for some team bonding.”

“Is it the weekend that we were supposed to go to the arcade?”

Shouyou’s mouth forms an ‘o’. He had completely forgotten about the plans he had made with Hiroyuki because he had been so excited about the sleepover. “I’m sorry, we could do that another day though, right?” Shouyou tilts his head, the picture of innocence. Hiroyuki’s fingers tighten around Shouyou’s wrist slowly. His right wrist, his spiking wrist. It hurt. Slowly, Shouyou uses his left hand to pull Hiroyuki’s fingers off of his wrist and his boyfriend lets him, with no argument. “Hiro?”

His boyfriend shrugs and his frown turns into a small closed mouth smile. His hands come up to rest between Shouyou’s jaw and neck, his pinky fingers rubbing circles on the back of his neck. “No problem, baby, next time.”

**☣**

A day or two after, there are bruises on his right wrist, they’re in the shapes of fingers that are obviously not his own. Shouyou’s gut turns as he stares down at the marks in the morning light of his room. He bits his bottom lip and remembers to put on his wristband before leaving his room that morning. The band stays for a week, until he sees the bruises no more.

**☣**

When Kageyama grabs his right wrist a few days after the bruise finally heals, Shouyou freezes. The taller boy doesn’t realize his reaction right away because he’s too busy dragging him out of the locker room. But when Kageyama turns to look at him over his shoulder, his blue eyes are too bright, his hair wilder than usual. Shouyou wrenches his wrist out of Kageyama’s grip and the setter stops in his stomping, staring at Shouyou in confusion.

He’s staring down at his own wrist, but it doesn’t hurt and he doubts any bruises will form because Kageyama wasn’t even squeezing that hard. He looks back up at Kageyama, “Sorry, hurt my wrist earlier this week and I was scared you were gonna hurt it again.” Kageyama and him continue on to the gym.

And Shouyou pretends.

**☣**

Shouyou knows something is _wrong_ . He’s not an idiot. Whenever he’s with Hiroyuki and he mentions his teammates (especially Kageyama), his boyfriend gets _weird_. His fingers always tighten around him. Around his wrists, his thighs, his ankles.

Hiroyuki isn’t gentle (not anymore). Shouyou doesn’t know what to do when he’s under his boyfriend and there’s a hand wrapped around his throat. Air is cut off and he’s **_scared_ **. Shouyou doesn’t finish when his boyfriend does. The lingering feeling of fingers wrapped around his throat only scares him, but his boyfriend is kind and he finishes him off with a quick suck. Shouyou tries not to think about that night (he can’t stop thinking about it and it scares him).

**☣**

_What should he do?_

**☣**

They win a practice match against a team from the town over. Something to get their blood really pumping, to fight for their win. In their celebration, Kageyama wraps his arm around his neck.

 _Lips kissing down his chest, fingers squeezing his throat, tightening despite his own hand wrapped around the wrist. His breath against his ear, his name being released from those lips, but he can’t_ **_breathe_ ** _—_

“Hinata?”

He blinks slowly, black dots in his vision. Kageyama has moved them away from the celebrating team and onto a bench, his arm wrapped more around his shoulders than his neck. The team doesn't look at them, but Shouyou can feel Kageyama’s gaze on him. He can’t look though. He can’t. He’s scared he won’t see Kageyama.

“I’m fine,” He says, but his voice cracks only slightly. “I’m fine.” He says it more firmly this time, hands on his knees and gaze at his team. Kageyama pulls his arm away from Shouyou, obviously unsure on what to do. “I’m fine,” He whispers, this time mostly to himself.

**☣**

“Hiro, let me just finish this, please,” Shouyou says. The worksheet is basically empty, only a single problem solved, but he can’t help it. Hiroyuki is _horny_. His large hands are resting under Shouyou’s shirt, his thumbs making circles above his belly button. There’s a pit in his gut that began to form.

Hiroyuki hums and continues kissing up and down his neck. Shouyou doesn’t feel the familiar sense of arousal, he’s more annoyed than anything. He really needs to do this worksheet, he can’t afford low grades (then he can’t play volleyball). “Just a quickie.”

Shouyou’s nose wrinkles up as he determinedly stares down at his worksheet. He doesn’t want to have “just a quickie”. That’s all they’ve been having lately. Hiroyuki slowly started to stop caring about whether Shouyou finishes or not, and honestly Shouyou has begun to just become more annoyed (scared, those _hands_ , those _fingers_ ). Is this it? The ending of their relationship? They still spend time together at Hiroyuki’s house, but it becomes more about sex than anything else. They haven’t gone to the arcade or movies in what seems like weeks.

Hiroyuki’s hand slowly lowers down to tease the band of Shouyou’s pants. Shouyou grips his pencil tighter. 

“Come on Shouyou, stop being a tease already,” Hiroyuki says against the skin of his neck. _I’m not, I’m not_.

“Hiro, let me finish my homework first, please,” Shouyou says again, slowly writing out the second problem. Hiroyuki’s hand lowers more and Shouyou frowns. _He doesn’t —_

Hiroyuki pulls away abruptly. Shouyou’s shoulders tense because _why?_ He turns to Hiroyuki in confusion and swallows at the pure anger on his boyfriend’s face. His blue eyes are dark with anger and his right hand keeps clenching and unclenching. “Are you fucking someone else?”

Shouyou reels back in absolute shock. _Is he what?!_ “Hiro, what?! Why would you even _think_ that?” He stands up because he doesn’t feel comfortable being yelled at while he’s sitting down.

Hiroyuki glares down at him (he’s still too tall). “You never want to fuck anymore! Like is there someone on the volleyball team or something? Is that why you’re always with _Kageyama?!_ ”

Shouyou doesn’t understand how it went so far. How did Hiroyuki even come to that conclusion? Kageyama? He doesn’t say anything, he can’t, honestly. Hiroyuki takes his silence as an opportunity and pushes Shouyou back into his chair. He’s tense, unsure as Hiroyuki’s chest rises up and down in anger, too quickly. He doesn’t know what to do (he’s scared, _scared_ ).

“Fine.”

Hiroyuki deflates, as if all the anger is sucked out of him just with that one word. “Huh?” He tilts his head in confusion.

“Yeah, let’s have sex.” There’s a pressure building behind his nose, a familiar one, but Shouyou doesn’t cry. (He just can’t.)

**☣**

“Hey.”

The volleyball bounces carefully off of his forearms and rises up to meet the wall. Shouyou doesn’t turn to look at Kageyama, his focus solely on his solo game of volleyball with the wall. “What?” His voice is dull, empty, and he can’t even recognize himself.

“Want to toss the ball back and forth with me?” Shouyou catches the ball instead of hitting it. His grip is tight on it as he slowly turns to look at Kageyama. He stares at the boy, his heart pounding unintentionally. There’s a knot in his stomach beginning to form the longer he looks at the boy. _He’s not Hiroyuki… he wouldn’t...right?_ The longer Shouyou stares, the easier it gets to separate the two from each other. Where Hiroyuki’s eyes were a bright blue, like the sky, Kageyama’s were dark, almost as dark as their jersey. His hair, while still the same shade of black, was flatter and had an ‘M’ shape to it where Hiroyuki’s had a wild style to it, his hair parted in the middle.

“Yeah, toss to me, Kageyama.”

**☣**

“Why is it such a big deal?! They’re my friends!”

“Do you think I’m an idiot or something?! I know Kageyama wants you, you probably open your legs for him all the time!”

“Where do you even get this from?! I can’t have friends now or what?!”

“Stop fucking yelling at me, you bitch!”

**☣**

**Hinata-kun:** _Suga-san, i think i need your help_

**☣**

Suga’s fingertips barely graze over the bruise on his cheek, but he flinches. The older boy’s hand freezes, not daring to move closer to Shouyou unless he says so.

“Sorry,” Shouyou mumbles, eyes lowered to the ground.

Suga straightens up, resting his hands on his hips. “You’re gonna have to explain who did this to you. Was it a bully, your parents?”

Shouyou shakes his head, fingers pulling at the sleeve of his sweater. “No, I, um…” He chews on his bottom lip, unsure of what to say next. “So, I’m gay,” He pauses, waiting for Suga to say something about it, anything. He glances up and Suga doesn’t _look_ disgusted, if anything he looks sympathetic. “And I was dating this boy and he…”

Obviously he doesn’t need to say much else because Suga’s face changes. There’s a deep frown now, his eyebrows pulled together. Suga exhales softly and sits down beside Shouyou. “I don’t know what to do.”

Shouyou crumbles. He brings his knees up and buries his head between them, sobs that have been building up for weeks finally escaping him with choked breaths. Suga’s arms wrap around him and he swallows the urge to pull away because this is his friend, his teammate. Suga won’t hurt him. (Right?)

A hand rubs up and down his back slowly, comfortingly, and he cries harder because all he can think about are _those_ hands and fingers, rubbing and tightening. He cries and cries, and tries to drown out his thoughts with his sobs.

**☣**

Shouyou doesn’t do anything. He can’t, not really. He’s not comfortable with telling his mom about his sexuality and past relationship. He doesn’t feel comfortable telling anyone _but_ the team. Not about the relationship (Kageyama knows, Suga knows, Daichi knows, and Coach knows, it’s enough for him, at the moment), but he does tell them that he’s gay. No one really knows what to say when he announces it. They’re silent and staring and for a moment he wonders if he’s ruined the last happy thing he has.

Suga steps forward and announces in a clear voice that he’s gay too. So does Yamaguchi. Kageyama steps forward and mumbles out a soft, “I’m bisexual.” Nishinoya raises his arms in the arm and yells about having enough love for everyone. Shouyou’s chest warms and his bruise aches, but for the moment, in this moment, he doesn’t think about fingers and hands, and just _breathes_.

🎔

**Author's Note:**

> Welp...yeah...
> 
> Any criticism is obviously welcome, anything you felt I could've done differently, please feel free to comment. Kudos this as well please!
> 
> If you need a little pick me up after this, I wrote a cute fic about Shouyou's sister playing volleyball as a libero: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23419930


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